An improvised life

Alder and I had a rockin’ dance party in the living room this afternoon. I looked and felt like a cross between the Tin Man and a shy sixth grader at her first dance [i] , but it felt great. We blasted CDs made by Brian and Nell and, when those ran out, we blasted top-40 on the radio. I got so sweaty I had to take a break on the balcony. When I got tired, I laid on the floor and danced with my legs in the air. Then I sat and accompanied Katy Perry on our new garage-sale drum.     I’m sure we looked ridiculous, Alder doing running flips onto the couch and showing off his “moves,” me needing my hips oiled, but my body and soul rejoiced. I thought of Deborah Cohan, whose video went viral after she and her surgical team danced in the operating room (OR) before she hopped on the table for her double mastectomy. I don’t know Deborah, but she’s my age and had surgery about the same time I did (and it turns out we have mutual friends). Several people sent me a link to the video of

My pericarditis broke through yesterday, to use my cardiologist’s term. I noticed the subtle but unmistakable chest pain on inhalation, and didn’t need to see a doctor or even have my vitals checked to know what was going on. Pericarditis is inflammation of the pericardium, or sac around the heart. In its moderate form, it causes pain on inhalation; in its more severe form it can cause tamponade. This is when the pericardium is rigid or inflamed enough that it squeezes the heart, restricting the heart’s ability to pump. Consequently, blood pressure falls, and heart rate rises as the heart tries to compensate for reduced efficiency by pumping faster. I first contracted pericarditis in February, when it landed me in the hospital for two extended-stay-deluxe visits. This is my fourth recurrence. I have become so familiar with the symptoms I can almost guess my blood pressure and heart rate. So I’m starting the cycle over with high-dose steroids to beat back the symptoms, and t

A friend recently wrote sharing news of her partial victory in a difficult divorce. I sensed a wariness in her tone, which suggested no one greet this bit of good news with too much enthusiasm. I responded to her:   “In my experience of trauma and transition there are no big moments of closure, victory, or exultation. It is a process, tiring and winding, up and down, internal and external, non-linear. Sometimes others want to inject these artificial, wishful concepts – especially ‘closure.’ You are wise to quietly head off too much cheerleading from well-meaning friends and family who may not understand the ongoing nature of the process.” This circuitous, unpredictable trajectory has been the theme of the past month for me. I was cruising along, maybe 95 percent done with my cancer treatment, when an ominous chest pain set in on February 1. A cascading series of medical mishaps and other setbacks put me in the hospital for the better part of the month (that’s just an expre

Hello friends, Things have taken a turn for the mysterious with my health so I thought I’d share some facts about the current state of affairs. I’ve been diagnosed with pericardial effusion, or fluid/inflammation in the sac around the heart. I was admitted to Swedish hospital last Wednesday after several days of severe chest pain. After initial misdiagnosis and treatment, I’m being treated with strong anti-inflammatories and continuous IV saline, and my heart is being monitored 24/7 by EKG. My follow-up echocardiogram today shows no real change in fluid levels, so we are contemplating the next step. That will probably either be to tap the fluid by ultrasound-guided needle aspiration, or a more invasive surgery to drain the fluid and remove a “window” of my pericardial sac. Surgery brings more risk and more recovery time, but would yield more diagnostic information and might help prevent recurrence. Some seemingly unrelated complications arose at the same time, inc