We Are All Toddler Parents

Last week a friend who doesn't live in Juneau sent me screenshots of an online rant and said, “I think our neighbors complained about us on Reddit!!!”

The Reddit post began, “Hello neighbor from the [redacted] block, Launching mortars last night was a really inconsiderate move.”

 

Uh oh. It was my friend’s block, and while my friend had not been home, her family had apparently launched New Year’s Eve fireworks.

 

The post incited a predictable onslaught of anonymous vitriol. Outrage and allegations built. At some point the original poster added: “The thing that gets me the most is that they are a very nuclear family with a bunch of rowdy teen boys and the parents were the ones lighting them off. These are the same people that threw a rager and left beer cans and puke in my yard.”

 

Most of this did not sound right. “I don’t think it’s you,” I reassured my friend.

 

“Yeah,” she said, “We haven’t had a party here in years.”

 

But soon a hand-written note showed up on their doorstep. It started: HI, PLEASE DON’T LIGHT MORTARS OFF NEXT TO OUR HOUSE AGAIN. The note echoed other elements of the Reddit complaint, saying the mortars hit their roof and adding, “We aren’t all as lucky as you to have a mortgage and our landlords are not forgiving.”

 

Horrifying! Together we cringed. But ... they got so much wrong! 

 

I wish you could write them a note, I told my friend. I wish you could say, I apologize unequivocally for the fireworks. I hate fireworks! But did you have to make so many assumptions? Here are a few things you might not know about us.

 

1.     We are divorced. Our two boys do not move and I stay at the house part-time.

2.     One of my sons is disabled. This is one reason we prioritize stability for the boys.

3.     We are not wealthy. This is another reason the boys do not move between two homes.  

4.     My ex-husband does not have a college degree and came to this country as an undocumented immigrant. He is also religious and a non-drinker.

6.     Because of their ages and my son’s disability, we do not leave the boys unsupervised.

7.     We've tried to make our home a welcoming place for neighborhood kids – the “rowdy teen boys” are 12-year-olds playing basketball and tag.   

My friend will not write the note. I get it: She does not owe anyone information about herself or her family. And to be clear, none of it excuses the fireworks. 

 

So why do I want these strangers to understand my friend’s family? It’s not so they forgive my friend – that already happened. Her ex-husband dashed over to the neighbor’s house to apologize after receiving the note; he promised never to light fireworks at home again, and he reported they were gracious and forgiving (I guess no one mentioned the Reddit thread). He is childlike about play, renting a bouncy house for birthdays, fireworks on New Year’s Eve. He grew up in a big city in another country – ambient chaos is part of his DNA.

 

So why does it matter? I want the neighbors and the whole Reddit mob to know their assumptions are wrong.

 

It matters to me because our assumptions are so often wrong: We walk by each other on the street and make assumptions based on the thinnest of observations. We know nothing of each other’s joys and struggles.

 

It matters to me because of what we do with our faulty assumptions. We assign malice where there is none. We turn mistakes into sins, we make the benign malignant. And these malignancies infect our relationships, our communities, and our politics.  

 

In the Reddit thread, it took little time for someone to say of my friend, “you’re not only a moron but a plain bad person.”

 

We know so little about each other and leap so far, so fast.  

 

My takeaway from this thread is not that people are awful. What strikes me is that we respond very differently when we have a sliver of information about someone (often wrong) compared to when we understand a person’s story.  

 

For 13 years I covered the Alaska Legislature and state government as a journalist. I came away with several lifelong lessons. First, never assume malice when incompetence will suffice as an explanation. Most officials (i.e., most people) are just fumbling along trying to figure it out. Secondly, and relatedly, fear of embarrassment is our top motivator. Most officials (i.e., most people) would rather you think they’re conniving than have you realize they’re just confused.

 

But the biggest lesson was this: We are all humans, we all have a story, and the more we know each other, the more empathy we feel.

 

I used to do extended one-on-one interviews with legislators and other elected officials. I asked people why they ran for office, about their family, what their goals were, why they voted certain ways, who their mentors were. I wanted to understand what motivated them, how they thought.

 

I was invariably surprised and often deeply moved by these conversations, and with one exception, I came away with greater respect for each person after one of these long interviews. I was reminded each time that most of us are animated by similar bedrock desires: we love our families, we want safety, we want our children to have good lives.  

 

My mother is a parenting expert (no joke!) and founded a nonprofit called Families First Parenting Programs. One of their seminars was called, “Don’t get furious, get curious!” As with most of my mom’s parenting advice, it sounds hokey but it's solid. 

 

It’s easy to default to rage rather than curiosity. It’s easy to make a snap judgment. My toddler is a monster! In reality, maybe my toddler is feeling scared and confused about a bad dream they had. Maybe she is wet and uncomfortable because something spilled. Maybe he is mad because I made an offhand promise and forgot about it.

And as with most of my mom's parenting advice, if we applied it to all our relationships and interactions, we'd probably be better off. Alas, we are all toddlers and we are all toddler parents missing the plot most of the time. 

This year, I want to remember my mom's advice: Don't get furious, get curious! I want to slow down, ask questions, and assume benign intent. I want to listen better. If we really listen to each other, our stories just may save us.  

Some happy photos... 

 

Eaglecrest - the ridge on a sunny Saturday in January

My mom (with my daughter) - always curious,
loves to give advice, adores her grandkids 

This cat is an actual ball of joy

Warming my bones and stretching my legs in Hawaii